South Station Birds

Saw this last night at Alabang South Station, I came from a friend's house in Muntinlupa then commuted back home. I was amazed upon seeing this scene as the bus parked to gather passengers at the station.

What are these? These are birds, I think these are maya birds (commonly scene birds in the metro) sleeping in those wires. I was so amazed, I took a shot even if it was dangerous to do it, due to the rate of robbery in this place (well, in my own observation at least). 

Anyway, it was nice to see all of them sleeping peacefully in one place. The people were kinda used to them. Or they just didn't noticed. I wish there were more trees though, so that they won't be risking their lives sleeping in such a place.

Life oh well.

Who reads hardbound books on the MRT?

Yes, I do.

I dunno what was I thinking, I wanted to finish this book so fast and it's so interesting to read. I realized just now that these are my kind of books.

As I have mentioned before, I am into humor/comedy memoir books. Well, this one is an interesting read and I could not help myself but bring this one into my long commute and read it while waiting to arrive on my destination.

I don't mind it being heavy, or being bulky really. I just realized, that when I am standing up and the trains are jampacked and I am reading this book, that I am hurting other people (you know the edges and it is hard bound after all) when the train brakes or takes a turn. I am funny sometimes, I don't realize it until I go down the train or until I leave the station.

Oh well. Sorry people.

Hardbound book by Jenny Lawson - highly recommended to kill time 

Humor is Light

As I have blogged before, I've had a minor bout with depression a couple of months back. And while I was at it, I kept being sorry for myself for being in that situation. However, it was easy to make me laugh. I don't know why. I took every joke as a situation to make me smile.

So, with that, in one salary day, I went to a bookstore and bought two books from two funny women I look up to. After the first book, I realized, I liked these kinds of book and I forgot how I loved humor.

Books I first bought out of impulse. I did not finish Tina Fey's book though.

I was able to finish Mindy Kaling's "Is Everyone Hanging out without me?" in one sitting (in a salon for the record, while they are fixing my hair). I enjoyed it, it was the same as the book I read before, from Stacy Horn, Waiting for my Cats to die. I remembered how these things remind me of how it is okay to be just me, alone.

So, when there was a booksale, I went for another book - My boyfriend wrote a book about me by Hilary Winston, again, it was an easy read. Now, I am on a roll. This is how I will get over this, this sad thing. I got over my first love by exercising, by doing physical stuff. Now, this. I'm busier than ever.

I have felt alone before, and this is the peak of it. I guess, it's a matter of acceptance and how you put humor in boring situations. If you laugh at your own company, I guess you're gonna be okay.

Sad thoughts

Have you ever thought of being in the wrong place at the wrong time? At home, I always did.

Whenever, I look at everyone, I know, I feel that I am at the right place. I needed to be who I am now, and this wouldn't be possible if not for my family. But, every single time they break my heart, I wonder why am I still holding on to them.

I wanted to go away, to go as far as I can. They wouldn't see me as someone important, not that I demand it or want it. I do not feel it, everytime I am here, my supposed home, I always feel alone. Whenever I need help, they weren't around. I am at the brink of my sanity, and still they go about their own businesses.

I know it is selfish of me, but I need to love myself. I need to feel important even if it is to live without them, my own flesh and blood. I want to be in a place where I can feel my importance, not here, what they do is to always bring me down, because I could not save them. How could I save them from poverty if one, they are not poor, two, I could not save myself, how could I do it with them? 

I am gravely disappointed. I realized just now, that no matter what I do, I am just the same as my siblings in the eyes of my own mother, a disappointment. I want to go away, so that she would see how it is to live without me. 

I hate this feeling, it destroys the momentum and drive I have for work and other things I try to function to. I pray to God to show me the way. I am sorry for being selfish. 

Understanding

I seek to understand.

Even if my heart says otherwise. 

Even if my heart says this makes me weak.

Even if my heart says give the fuck up.

My head whispers seek to understand.

Earphone Crazy Pop

I left my iPod with the earphones connected on my bed one day, take note that I am just leaving to get to the loo. Then, when I came back, I was surprised to see the dog munching my pink candy colored headset and made it look like this..

Much to my dismay, to myself, to the dog and to the whole situation, the earphones, obviously, can no longer be used. 

Probably, this is my 3rd earphone for the year. I started the year with the Panasonic (which was about a thousand bucks) then mellowed with a Pioneer, for about 700 Php. Then, this one, the Audiophile one with the same color as my new running shoes. The first and third one were destroyed care of my doggie, Odin, then the other was defective. Stupid me, I did not keep the receipt so I just bought a new one.

So come payday, I decided to get one, again. Of course, I plan to splurge again, on earphones, since, I am a fan of high quality sounds care of my uncle who' I grew up with. I would love to hear an extra bass and good noise cancellation on it. Since, I use it for work and for my runs, sometimes in commute as well, since I am not the type who would like to disappear in the crowd and my iPod would do that for me. Anyway, I kept that explanation for too long, so, I searched at running shops and all of them are selling the expensive Yurbuds. The sales talk really would make me lean towards buying it, but, instead, I've kept my money inside my pocket or wallet. It is advantageous to get it, but not at this time, I guess. But, come February, I might get one, if and only if this new one is not yet broken. 

I came across the Coloud Pop Headphones. I saw this first when I came to ROX (Recreational Outdoor Exchange at Bonifacio High Street) along with the Yurbuds. It looks cute and pop-y, I did not want to get it the first time i saw it because it was way out of my budget (which was around 300-500php, this costs 895Php and it is already on Sale mind you). Also, one of the reasons I did not want to get it was the microphone. It has a built in mic that I thought I was never going to use, since I will only be using it for running.

But, when I came to the mall and made some serious earphone searching. I reconsidered getting it. Why? Because, first and foremost, it looks cute, sound quality is between better to best (my criteria for getting earphones really was cuteness AND sound quality. I don't compromise, I should get both) and the mic was okay to use too (for my SoundCloud account - yea, lol I sing too, now you know). I can also use it as a headset to my phone, so it will be convenient. 

I may have a lot of reasons why I am splurging on this one but based on the review I've read (and it's only one LOL - you may read it here in this link ) it is quite good and practical given its price and design. So I say yay for this purchase! I just hope I don't just leave it anywhere for the dog to mangle on. 

Improvements and Plan

Okay. So far. There have been improvements. 

What I love about this downfall is that I get to see most of my long lost friends, I learned to reach out, I've shared my secret to most people and I get to see who stays and who doesn't.

I get to see other people not in the same light as what I have put them before. It is a risk, I know. I might be putting myself in a compromising position, but this is for the best. At least for me. 

What I am planning to do with this? I have to fight, the training for marathon will be starting soon. I have to get away from the feeling that makes me down, it is not healthy, since I need to function for the other aspects of my life. I am planning to go away, somewhere far, and get to know more about myself. Also, now, since I am on it, I am trying to see most of my close friends. There's this need to get back in touch with them, to remember how I've always been.

I say good luck myself with these. Cheerio. 

Thinspiration

This is Jeon Ji Hyun, she is known as the My Sassy Girl. I used her photo as an avatar at a forum site I have been lurking at for years. And I used her avatar for a year or so, this is after I have watched My Sassy Girl for the nth time.

I have thought of this now, since I have been uninspired lately, I need to have a benchmark as to whom do I wanna be after all of the hardwork I have been doing. And, I so came to Ms. Jeon Ji Hyun's photos.

She is currently modelling for Reebok and man, I really really wanna have her body - flat abs and small waist, firm arms and legs. I know, I am waaaay far from her as of now, but I need to inspire myself. So to inspire myself, I am posting these ad pictures from Reebok that I took from the internet (credits to the owners of all pictures).

Now, I wanna get some Reebok stuff to inspire me more. LOL. I have to have this body before I do the marathon! :D

Whenever it rains you will think of her

“There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because that's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle.

You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.

Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again. 

Whenever it rains you will think of her. ” 

― Neil Gaiman

The day after

Funny how my state changes from mess to being repaired. I had just made a blog yesterday regarding my condition, I went to office the next day then voila, I got it all together.

I have been attentive, I was able to finish some work. Though I haven't been on time, I've never been astonished with the turn of the events. 

Yesterday, I did not go to work because of the breakdown. I slept. Then played Minion Rush, then slept, then researched about my condition, found it, then slept, played Minion Rush, then read some more. Then slept. Good thing, my sleeps are as deep as I wanted them to be. 

I guess this is one of the ways to at least control it, as a friend advised me, I should just let it get me. Shut the world out then let it swallow you. It is a matter of acceptance. This is me, this is already a part of me. All I can do, is just take hold of it and put it on my own hands. 

So what's next? This is cyclic, I was able to work then, go to the gym earlier. My appetite is almost back. And, I am again, thirsty to train for my next race. I can't really tell if I am on my hypomania state but I am happy that the hollow feeling is gone. At least for now.

It's weird that as I started this morning, as I took my morning coffee and read my emails, I have been searching for the vacuum/hollow feeling inside me. The one that I have felt the day before. It felt strange that it wasn't there. Even as I travel back home alone, I searched for it again. I looked at the crowd inside the train and felt afraid that it might come back, but still it didn't. I looked at the window for the comfort and it felt good. 

I know that in the days to come it will be harder. I might not make it. But it is days like this that I exhault myself and of course the Lord for letting me get it back together. I can always bounce back. I always have that in mind. If ever there are bad things that are happening, my mantra is I can always bounce back. I can go through it. 

I just wish I would stop doubting myself. Sheesh. 

Weakest Point

I wanted to be a strong woman. But I know, I can't be someone who's strong if I have not experienced how to be weak. 

So, now, I skipped work because I realize what a total mess I am today. I am at one of my weakest points and I know that I will be on this for a long time. 

I searched the internet about my condition and affirmed that I have a psychological problem. I thought this was Bipolar Disorder but it wasn't, the term that perfectly matches my condition is Cyclothymia. 

I took a depression test via www.depressedtest.com and it showed that I have a very high probability of cyclothymia, with high chance of bipolar disorder but still this is something that I shouldn't be neglecting.

I have read in one blog via www.thatscousebastard.com/cyclothymia.html that this needs controlled. And the changes in my mood swings are usually triggered by a changes or big things happening in life. And yes, he is correct. There were things that happened and I think that contributed to the fact this is all happening. I am already doing the right thing of maintaining a routine but the change happened so, I go spiralling to my depressive state.

But treatment or at least controlling this also requires a strong support system. I cried earlier because currently I don't have one. I clearly need help I just don't know how to reach out. 

If you have read the article from both links I provided, you would have known that this involves two stages, the hypomania and the depressed state. I am already done with my hypomania, now I see myself crying with no apparent reason. And this is why I finally thought yes, there must be something wrong with me. 

I look at my family, officemates and friends and see how it is to be on their world without these. How it is to think "normal" is not something I have seen myself with so I always wonder how people would see. But given that, I could not believe how this came to me, how I have deflected from the norm, how this became part of my system. 

This is my weakness and I do not know how to float away from this. I hope God can make a way. 

Chess

You move, I move. What's next?

Sorry. I have been holding back everything. I don't know if I came too fast or I really just don't know what I am doing.

Obviously, I am attracted to you. What else would I be doing all of these for? I just don't know what to do with you. Nowadays, what I have been doing is keeping myself busy with the things I have done before.

I have made these routine for me to be able to forget someone or the feelings rather. With all of these, I was able to move on. And I don't want to crumble down like before. I have made my moves with you but I don't want to give it all the way. 

I don't know if you can read this (Most likely not). I want you to know I can give it a try but I am not desperate. It's okay if you don't want to push thru. I am best single rather than being committed. 

I am writing this, because I can't sleep. You make me not want to sleep. I got sick because of this. I hope this ends up okay. I really do. Either we be together or not, I hope we're both okay with each other. 

Oh well. 

Series of Fortunate Events and Good Decisions

When I knew that the yearly Brigada Eskwela (Project of private companies to help out public schools to be clean and ready for the incoming classes) for our company will be on a friday weekday, I instantly filed for a leave because I knew it is going to be tiresome even if it will only take half of our working hours.

Good thing, my boss accepted my leave application because a good friend of mine from Singapore came home and wanted to see the rest of us here. The invite is going to be on the same date as the Brigada Eskwela, but it is set as a dinner rendezvous. I agreed though, since majority of my friends are free and my sked is also free it's just that, I have almost 6 hrs of waiting time.

Came friday, I already have activities in mind to kill the time, and it was made of delivering a race kit, swimming and running. I started early by coming on time on the Brigada eskwela meetup (which was strange but I seriously wanted to be there on time, I don't wanna be left behind) place which was located just outside our HO building. Then, I took breakfast at a nearby fastfood chain then went to alight the van assigned to go to the area. 

This was pretty much easy, because I signed up for the book covering task. I did not want to get my hands dirty nor have paint on it and this is one of the things I'd normally do to destress myself. So the half day task wasn't much of a muscle mover to me, the day was just too darn hot but it was okay. I was able to enjoy this day doing the thing I loved doing for the school that someday maybe my cousin's, Arcelyn's, high school. 

Book Cover Day!

Then, after eating our snacks and slightly cleaning up the area, we went back to HO. I was so bloated, there were too much free meals/snacks AND I had my own big breakfast as well. So, I thought that my next activity was to burn some of the calories. Since I was not able to submit the documents at the offce because it was still lunch time, I thought of utilizing our office gym.

In the morning, my plan was to swim first then run around BGC (Bonifacio Global City) but then this idea came due to the things I need to do first at the office. I thanked myself for this idea, since this idea will save me more time AND for sure, there will be no people inside the gym (since they're all working *enter evil laugh*) so I can use the other equipment other than the treadmill (because I'm shy, I don't wanna be associated with other equipment other than the treadmill lol). So I ran 10k then, used some leg and arms equipment for target training, plain happy training day at home except that I am doing this at the office. I am happy because this will save me time for the week, I can focus on prenup and therapy on saturday. After, I have submitted my documents, I freshened up and went to my next venue. 

I did not have the gym picture, but I love my caption here haha

I promised a friend I will be giving him his race kit that i registered for this big run race on June. Since, I am up for a little travelling, I went to his office to personally  hand him his kit. This was entirely bonkers but I love being at different places at a time so, I came. When I went, the RCBC lobby already amazed me, the building was full of steel designs. I thought I was never going to marvel inside the building itself, until my friend came and showed me around. 

I did not expect that he will tour me around and buy me a drink. It was really fun, I admit, I am an architecture and interior art fan and this building was definitely a stunner. It had offices at a different building then it had stores on the other, then there's also a little chapel and a museum. The interiors are carefully made and it suited what its purpose needed to be.

Some of RCBC's amazing interiors

I am so thankful that he asked me to go around, the free drink for me was just an additional bonus. I made again the right decision of going there. So, after everything, I bade him goodbye then went off to my next destination, to MASA or Makati Aquatic Sports Arena to swim.

While waiting, I saw that there were already jeepneys outside of the building going to Guadalupe (there were jeepneys going to MASA from here). So I rode one, and since it was friday, traffic was inevitable. I forgot about traffic, my plan was to meet one of my friends at Ayala station on 530pm so that we can go together at BGC but before that i have to swim first. The traffic made me think of cancelling my plan to swim since it was impossible to swim and make it on time. Before making the final decision, I thought of sending a text message to my friend and ask where my she was, good thing she told me that she was miles away from our meeting place it was impossible for her to make it on time. So, I decided to swim.

Then swim I went, I was happy I did it. I failed doing the front crawl drills but I was able to execute a breast stroke in one 50m lap (which was amazing because my officemate thought I can never do it but I knew I can so yay me!). I think I was able to cover about 400 - 500 meters because my body made the decision to have leg cramps so that I can leave the pool already. 

MASA Lap pool

Another, good decision moment to leave and to have my friend go and meet me at Market Market (instead of Ayala station) because we coincidentally rode the same jeepney together. Started the night right by coming on time, as planned, on our meeting place then enjoyed the night away.

A good way to end the night, desserts :)

In summary, obviously, it was a busy day, but it was made of series of good decisions and fortunate events (and mostly free meals haha) It was jampacked, action filled but still fun day. I never felt so alive and detached to my facebook haha (because I have to save batteries). I love love love it. I came home sore, stomach and heart full and I think this is one of the things I needed from all the craziness my life was becoming. I really really thank God for this day and making it possible for me to be able to do all this things in just one day. Yay me! ^_^

To Live or To Exist

In this life, they say, it's either you live or you just exist. What does it mean when you do either?

To live, at least for me, is living a life where it has deeper meaning. You wake up with a purpose, you go to work because you know your purpose, you do almost everything in your life because you know exactly why you exist in this world. To exist, however, is the dead version of living. It is to live his/her life without knowing what to do with it. these people are mostly "just there". They don't give a shit about everyone as long as they are there meeting their basic needs.

So, among the two, where do I stand? In my own reflection, I am only struggling to live because I feel that I only exist. Yes, this is my ugly reality. I do all these things, I keep myself busy, but at the end of the day, it doesn't fill me in. Every morning, I go to work thinking that I'll do my best but I don't have the momentum for it. I learned that in order for me to be better, I should think as to whom I am doing all of these for. On a seminar we were given that task of thinking of that inspiration, and after a few seconds of reflection, I could not gather the person I am doing these for. The a few more seconds, I even bargained with myself, thinking, "hey can the dog be it?" (lol but, yes, I really thought that). 

Maybe it is the whole purpose of the family thing, most of the hardworking and very passionate persons I have known are already married or they have a supportive, strong and inspiring family/parents. It sucks. I just wanted to become the best that I can be even if I this is my condition. I know, it couldn't be possible. If I wanted to do something, it will always be half-baked because it lacks inspiration.

Well, I wrote this down to emphasize on this weakness. This is how I see my life now. I want to be forward looking and see myself on the other side of the spectrum with everything all figured out. I am not certain I will, but this will be my turning point, let's see.

Choreography by Chris Scott

Thing is when I find something amazing, i get obsessed by it. Tonight, my head's full of caffeine, sugar and curiousity, I decided to go and check the youtube for the So You Think You Can Dance show routines.

I am a fan of the show, I really just don't wait for each and every episode but I try and check for youtube vids for the routines. So far, Mia Michaels and Sonya Tayeh have been my favorite choreographers there esp for the contemporary dances, so galing (my faves have been Gravity by Kayla and Kupono and Bleeding Love by Mark and Chelsey). But, as I switched from video to video, I came upon Cyrus'(Glitch) finale dance with Twitch, Comfort and the choreographer himself Chris Scott. The choreography stunned me to my seat. It even included the cinematography/scene timing (or whatever you guys call it) on the dance. Uh-MAZING! 

Then I came across one video of his interview citing his works. And then I learned he's the one who choreographed Step Up 2. Another Uh-MAZING moment! (with Jaw drop, yes that Amazing!). 

I remember being this amazed with Wade Robson when I learned he's the one who choreographed Britney's and N Sync's video. I liked these two because in the dances they have made, you can feel the passion and the art of the whole dance process. It just gives me the chills.

Mind you, I don't dance gracefully. I dance for fitness before, sloppily may I add, I just happen to follow all music vids and live concerts before so that I can follow some dance routine. But, I love the art of dancing, just like the other forms of art. What makes dancing special is that you convey the choreographer's or the dancer's message, passion and feelings thru dancing, without any words. Sometimes, the best dances come from the most passionate choreographers and dancers. I really have high respect for these people. 

So for now, let me worship Chris Scott's works by sharing with you some of the stuff he choreographed that I saw on youtube. I hope you like it like I do. Good nightie from my side of the world. 

Softie self

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. - Sunscreen, Baz Luhrman

I thought of this just now when I rekindled and summarized my 5-day vacation. I did not do anything grand like what I did on my birthday (solo trip to El Nido, Palawan just to brag lolz). It was my normal annual vacation it's just that I needed this every year to remind myself of some important things that I forget in the city.

Staying in the city makes me hard. Most of the people around me are very supportive but at the same time they give me this immense pressure of making it on my own. Staying in the province though gives me time for myself. This is the place where I ran, biked and swam (I realized I was afraid of swimming alone, I need to have a companion to do this.). This also gives me time to be connected again to my kinsfolk. I love them and this is the opportunity to at least bond with them.

Those things made me soft, at least, one of the things that makes me soft is my dog, my mom and then this guy - Yes, the one who will never ever love me back because I don't know how to make him (loo *cough* ser). But at the same time, it is the dog who mostly does the job. He kind of reminds me how God works and makes me happy somehow, I just wish he doesn't destroy a LOT of things. One day I could not afford to buy back everything he destroys. Anyway, one day, I hope I can bring him to the province so that he could also run in the rice fields and meet the other dogs in the province (which I hope doesn't have any rabies because I want him and us to live longer).

I admit to gaining weight during my one-week stay. I realized it when I returned, but the heck with it. I can lose it back, but I could not return the benefits this trip has caused me. I am somehow reminded of my stronger self, brought back some mojos I keep losing everyday in the city. I look forward to more of this in the future.

Cheerio!

 

Half the mile or more

I would go half the mile or the world with you just ask me. I am not hard to reach right? I am sorry I don't know what to do with this, I am trying just so you know. Just tell me what to do and I will do it.

If I am right and you are really in love with someone other than me. Just tell me, I'll walk away from your life. I could not bear the thought and the sight of you being happy in the arms of the other. Please spare me the pain, I can take it if you tell me face-to-face. Just don't let me be the last to know and don't give me this false hope.

I can take it. I've taken it before, currently I am learning how to be alone for the rest of my life. I think I am destined to be single. I don't know how to be with someone. If you happen to know teach me, I'm willing to learn. As of now, I am doing things I know I am safe (errr... safe in my own perspective) and capable of doing.

Anyhoo, where ever you are, always enjoy the moment. You know you are capable of it. Just don't let the negativity get you, you are far better than that. Be safe, enjoy.

Behind every strong woman

I've watched two movies recently, The Iron Lady and The Lady. Both movies show the lives of two known great women of the world, Margaret Thatcher and Aang San Suu Kyi.







I admit, I only known these two from history. I did not know what was their story. I loved both movies, it was inspiring and I noticed that both women had also something in common, a strong husband by their side.

In both movies, Margaret's husband, Denis and Suu Kyi's British husband, Michael Aris, were both firm supporters of their wives' political ambitions and beliefs. Even if both women are stubborn both men were always there to love their wives.







I love this idea - that even if both considered as someone strong, someone from their backs is there to make them stronger. Their husbands never left their side even on their last breath - yes, unfortunately as we all know they're both dead.

If ever I decide to marry, I wish to have someone like Denis or Michael and be a stronger woman for the world to see and feel.

I know, a bit ambitious, but we're all free to wish right? ;-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Oz's Girls

I recently watched Oz just this Thursday. It just got my head spinning because this isn't your normal wizard of Oz story. Of course, if you watched the movie, it was about the Wizard of Oz how he became the "great and powerful" by saving the entire kingdom from the black witch and her sister, the wicked witch of the west.

Well, I am writing this post not because of the entire movie, let me focus on the two faces of the girls around Oz's life. There's the wicked witch of the west, or Theodora as played by Mila Kunis and Glenda/Annie, Oz's love of his life as portrayed by Michelle Williams. Just so you know, James Blanco plays the main character, Oz.

Theodora, Oz and Glenda

Theodora was the first witch Oz met at Oz (yes, Oz was also the name of the place). She told him about the prophecy and she was kind to him. Oz being a playboy, made Theodora fall in love with him by using his old tricks on the other ladies he met. Theodora fell instantly on Oz's tricks. She knew he wasn't serious about his commitment when Oz left Emerald city and found Glinda whom he fell in love with. Heartbroken, she asked her sister to take away the pain and ate an apple that made her the evil and stone-hearted thus coined the wicked witch of the west. 

How Theodora looked like after eating the apple - yes, wicked witch of the west she became

Then there's Annie/Glinda, Annie was Oz's old flame. He couldn't keep her in his life because of the complications he may bring to her life. Annie always believed that there is goodness in Oz that Oz did not believe he had. Glinda, was the good witch he met at Oz, who looked like Annie. Glinda knew Oz's tendencies but still believed that he is the wizard that the prophecies dictate. She also believed in Oz's goodness as well. In the end, they ended up together and Oz (the place) became peaceful. 

Pretty Glinda

So why these two characters? It is because I see myself (feelingerang palaka hello?) on these two. When I fell in love, I was Glinda, I believed in the goodness of the person I fell in love with. I knew he was up to no good but hello me still believing that he's not that. I supported him and even if it's out of my way, I'd go to him in a jiffy if he asked me to. Well, it's just me, in love. 

I guess right now, I am the wicked witch of the west. But hey I am not as bitter as she is. Maybe before, I cried all the time, I could not believe this was happening to me, blah blah blah.. (You know the lines don't you?). But like the wicked witch, love has changed me. I became this person who just accepts. I guess it wasn't an ugly transformation though. All I can see now are the good things it has brought to me. I just hate the feeling though, like how Theodora cries and tears scars her face, it hurts. Big time. It's just enough not to make me fall in love again. 

Oh well, this is just me now. Maybe someday, I could be Glinda again but this time the real Oz will finally reciprocate the love I have. Some day it'll be eh? 

Silver Lining

I watched The Silver Lining Playbook just yesterday. This is out of boredom, I am kinda getting the blues again so I went to the theatre myself and got me some ticket to the next available film.

According to the Princeton site (source: http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwnol), silver lining means a consoling aspect of a difficult situation; "every cloud has a silver lining"; "look on the bright side of it". And pretty much, I think the movie is about the protagonist's dilemma - dilemma of looking on the bright side.

I've been watching movies lately and this, by far, captured my heart. I can relate to the protagonist - literally. His bipolarity (which is far worse than mine, I think), his will to be fit, looking at the wrong side/person to love, his love for his mom and dad etc.

Like Pat, I have always seen the other side of things in order for me not to be hurt and in order for me not to hurt others as well and like the whole gist of the movie, I have realized that the love that I want is somewhere I can be just crazy me and with someone whose craziness is something I can bear and accept. I just have to accept the signs.

What signs? As the movie dictates, Pat already has the signs that Tiffany has been the "one" all along but still refuses to accept and still seeks out his ex-wife Nikki who had an affair while they were still married. I think I already have the signs, I just don't know how to catch up with it. Will I go for it? or just move away with it? I think that has been my dilemma as of now. As of now the signs are leaning me to choose towards the latter, and I think it's the better option, but we'll see...

I'll be ending this by sharing my favorite line from the movie, I swear I cried at the cinema after hearing this from Pat. Hope you have a good day everyone!

“The only way to beat my crazy was by doing something even crazier. Thank you. I love you. I knew it from the moment I saw you. I'm sorry it took me so long to catch up.” 
― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

Shady

Another friend of mine just got married, it's not that I am envious or something. I'm happy for her and I really wanted to it's just that she got married at Davao and given my schedule I can never make it. So, I've thought now of meself why I have this feeling of uncertainty.

Why uncertain? You see, I think it's a given fact that we are all raised to believe that happy endings should be you getting married with the love of your life and live happily ever after. Now that I've grown up, I begin to question, why do I feel it is wrong to think that way? Am I on the outs by not thinking "whooops! No prince charming, no fuck*n happily ever after" ?

When you're someone who's not thinking the same way, you question yourself, why aren't I looking for what most people would look for? Am I nuts? (Yeah, I really got some loose screws on the sides.. Lol). What happened to me during the whole growing/maturity process?

I always wonder why people make their lives complicated by looking for something that is impossible. Yes, with mu current condition, it is impossible for me to be found by Mr Prince Charming. Impossible, because as I've explained before I am not the type of girl that most guys would go for. I am usually the girl guys make as their bestfriends. Their girl bff or gay friends fag hag. Read: Not-damsel-in-distress-wanting-to-be-saved.

If you put that to statistics, chances of me getting a boyfie is close to zero. Given that situation, one would resort to putting things into their own hands. In summary, princess goes out to look for prince charming. Well, I think other guys would see this as something sweet, I do too. But, it's not just my thing. Given my current statistics (as I have mentioned earlier) in having and being in a relationship, I think I'd rather go where it is more possible for me to succeed. Like, hobbies, etc. Read: Not-wasting-time-in-something-impossible.

I don't know if it's because I'm young that I am saying all of these or what. But, I admit in a way, I am also bothered. Who wouldn't be wondering? At my age, my mom already had her third child and my friends are getting married and people are starting to ask and I'm going to be thirty this year and a loooot of aaaands that will never end. It's annoying really. It's hard to tell and explain to people everything I have written here. They wouldn't understand, they are already stuck with this fact that everyone should have the same happy ending.

I already half resigned to that fact and changed perspective. What if I can also be happy with my own type of happy ending? Not the fairy tale type but, my own unique ending. One that doesn't involve princes or boys but one that involves someone else like... Dogs! Or other things.

I just hope when I grow old and still like this, I can accept more. I hope I can be more matured, more forgiving but less gullible. I want to be at peace with whatever comes and happens and grow old and be okay. No regrets.

I think, I've written something like this before but it's annoying how sometimes it gets to me. And when it does, i'll write again to remind myself of this and recheck my feelings whether I'm still okay with myself, and I hope and pray, I will always be.

Good night everyone.

Oh hello March

For the first time, I did not file any leave for the first quarter of the year. There's so many things that need to be done in the office and I only got 8 hrs everyday to get everything done, and I am not doing well.

Since the transfer, I've been struggling 8hrs everyday. Sometimes less than 8 because I'm always late (I arrive at least before 830am) but I make most of it mind you. I've been multitasking like crazy, juggling in between tasks and then maintaining my sanity by having friends nearby to talk to me (thru chat). After work, I run and do aikido sessions (mon and thurs for aikido then in between will be the runs depends on the weather and my condition). I go home at night, earliest would be 7pm (when I don't do any exercise) and 1245am (when I meet friends after work).

Given this crazy schedule, sleep should always come easy. But it ain't! It ain't. I get to sleep for about 3hrs then wake up in the wee hours of the day for no reason at all. I don't like it, I wake up in the morning thinking what the hell happened? I didn't even feel refreshed, I felt robbed with sleep. I need my deep sleep, where I wake up with saliva on my pillow, my head heavy and mind nostalgic with a dream I've had.

I've reduced my exercise lately because I always feel lightheaded. I want this to end soon. I feel that this is psychological, probably this is stress from work that is being carried at home. My head or mind keeps moving, even at weekend I do chores like crazy. I do one task then do something along with it, i just can't seem to stop moving.

I didn't even feel March coming in. It just went by so fast. It's like January and then whooosh it's March already. I want to take a leave soon or just go to the beach and see and smell the sea (decent not the Manila bay type). I think I need some time off. I wish I'd be better soon, I wanna function properly for everything I am doing and the things I am planning to do.

Oh Lord let me be better. Good night everyone.

Blurry Circles

With the things happening in my past, present and future, somebody on the sides should be laughing saying I should give up now. I agree, it is more convenient not to have my own life than to have all of these.

But, I, stand. And, sorry laughing invisible person, I won't give up. This life, I know, will mean so much more. God did not give me something I cannot bear, and I believe it. I hold on to this truth.

I remember having all the past, some I can never tell, some I can tell, some, are just there to leave me a painful lesson. I was born on a difficult family, situation and experiences. All of these, have taught me how to survive and be strong as I am now.

The present, now, teaches me a lesson to be more wise, more subtle, more transparent and more aggressive. I already know the basics now I have to hone myself more to be more adept because there may be more to come.

The future, seems bleak, I can't see the light in the end of the tunnel. Again, but I have been used to this darkness. I am learning this lesson to be aggressive to make my heart stand on its' own.

Instead of blaming other people, I see them as my teachers. Whatever lesson I have to learn, I will have to learn, by hook or by crook. I pray to God that at the end of this life, I am still this person who He wants me to be.

I now pray, that I may not go astray. So, help me God.

How sad mornings are

The thought of mornings of me leaving you made me sad tonight. It's hard for me to leave you in the morning. It is as if you were asking me why I had to leave home.

I just look away, knowing that if I knew how to answer it. You just wouldn't understand. I just look forward to the night, where I will see you again.

I always envision it in my head. Me, going down the trike; you, going out of house doing your cute doggie dance and then jump with glee because you saw me again.

I can never repay the happiness you have given me seeing you in that state. I do not know why am I so important in your life that I deserve such treatment.

I love you Odin Chan. You have such a big heart for loving me.

Hercules to Photoshopped Guy

"Seriously? You looked photoshopped?"

I laughed at Emma Stone upon hearing on this on screen on the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Like Emma's character Anna, I could not help but adore the photoshop guy, actor Ryan Gosling.

I've been watching him since his Hercules days and God, what did you do to this guy? He just became more handsome and more charming! And yeah, I'm making a "bakla" blog about this. Well, he deserves a spot on my own blog so that someday when I have my own kids or when I grow old alone I can laugh at this or I can just remember how high on "kilig" I was today.

Oh well, I hope I am attracting all laws of attraction to make me see this guy. Just like when I've had leche flan for new year. I wanted it, but never really told my mom I would love to have it for the new year's dinner but she bought one anyways, for the sake of dinner. Anyway, just one glimpse of this guy in real life is fine by me. I don't want to be his wife or girlfriend, it's too ambitious. I just want to see this guy and know how good he smells. Oh my god, I'm kinikilig again haha.

I'm gibberish, I think I should sleep, I have to be early tomorrow. Good night Ryan Gosling. Kissie kissie!

PS: God, let me have Ryan Gosling dreams please.

Ryan Gosling as the young Hercules. Credits to the owner of this photo.

Ryan Gosling as the "Photoshopped guy" from the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love.

New Year's Eve

Watched New Year's Eve on New Year's Eve, and I thought it was a bad VERRY bad idea. I ended up crying with my dog on New year's eve.

For hopeless romantics and people who are in the positive side of life, this is a good film to watch on New Year's eve. I loved the idea that it showed different scenes coming from different people from all sorts of life in New York city. Yeah, I loved it, even if I watched it in the wrong part of the year. It just made me a lot sadder, it made me go out of the streets observing our neighbor's fireworks teary-eyed. It's depressing for people like me, I would probably watch it again on Holy week where everyone's mood is not so christmassy/new year-sy.

Anyway, maybe it's the hormones kicking in. I will be better this 2013. I promise myself that. :)

12 Cheers for 2012

I just came outside and 2012 just finished right before our eyes and 2013 is greeted with fireworks, loud soundscoming from speakers, trumpets, and even people themselves. After finishing a movie , I decided to finish this one off just for 2012.

I have been thinking of 2012 and I admit, it wasn't a good year but instead of focusing on the bad things, I have thought of the things that made it a "not-so-bad-year-afterall". This year is not a year of good things but we have to learn from the bad in order for us to realize the good or what's good . So, let me enumerate 12 things that made most of my 2012.

1. Running

This is already obvious, I even created a new blog for this (checkout http://thepinkwarriorruns.blogspot.com). I remember track and field as my sport during my elementary days, I have been our classroom's participant for the 100 m dash. Given my figure before - tall, thin and athletic, I have mostly won the races. As time passed, I forgot my love for running, I wanted to do a triathlon now, it has been a dream of mine since me and my dad have watched this adventure triathlon race held at his mother's hometown at Siargao island. I can swim and ride a bike, I can probably do it. Hopefully, I can find time to train or this is the best time to just resign from my work. (think think think abi)

2. Odin

I was skeptic in getting a dog again, my sister pushed me to get this one. Given my super stupid busy schedule, I really do not consider getting one. But my sister, really wanted to get one, so when my office mate asked me if I wanted to get one of her dogs, her description of the breed made it more irresistable. And he did, I already have him and named him Odin, after Thor's father, whom I admire from the movie. What's not really good though was his health, I am going for broke with this dog. But I will always hope he'll be better, his cute presence is enough to keep me energized and a little inspired. I always pray that he'll get better.

3. Travel alone

I booked a ticket last Feb 2012, for a birthday trip to Palawan. I have wished to go with someone but we never made it to us. But I thought of it happening so, I already made arrangements all by myself. I thought of it as a cross off my bucket list, at least I wouldn't have to wonder how it is to travel alone. I enjoyed it and i was able to meet new wonderful people and it made me hope that next time I get there, it will not be just me anymore. Just hoping. :)

4. Losing Weight

I started the year at 65 kgs, I think and ended it at 60kgs. With less fats on my face, thighs, and belly. I still have some more fat on my belly though, and I will be working on that this year. Hopefully. Hehe. It's better said than done no?

5. Dyed Hair

I have always loved my brown hair, but I wanted a chestnut one. I always wanted to be a redhead girl. I dunno why, but it just came into mind this year. I think it's my way of rebellion to myself, that I am not the same anymore and dying my hair is the sign of it.

6. Phone

One of the best things I bought this year is my very very smart phone. It gets me to do a lot of things, I love it. I can't keep myself away from it. I play games with it, chat with my friends with it, blog, run, take pictures etc. It's just everything. I love it. I thank God for letting me have the dibs to buy it.

7. Reading

Since I have my new phone, i have more time to read during commutes. I have read more articles though, I wish to read more books for 2013.

8. Transfer to Bicutan

This has changed my whole activity plan for the week. Since it is far than our Pasig office, I have to adapt, I have to wake up early, change my whole schedule after office, I could not go on overtime because of the shuttle service, and there's the dog, I have to make time for it. First day of my commute to the office, I cried, I could not take the people and all, but this is my reality now. And I have come to accept.

9. Friends leaving

Most of my friends are already abroad, if not out of the country, they're married, or committed to their vocation. This is sad. The last time we met together before the other left to work in an another country, I cried, I am running out of people to run to whenever I need someone to talk to. If just wanted to go to the mall, I have no one to call to. I only have a few friends, and re-learning to have new ones is hard for me to do. It's hard for me to be comfortable with people. It may seem that I am okay with it, but really, it's hard.  It's like I am pushing myself to do it. I don't know, but it's just me. I do not warm up easily. Also, I have learned that this is okay. I mean, it's just me. If anybody has a problem with that well, then I am sorry. But, I could not change who I am.

10. Bibot dying

My first SLR Camera does not wanna turn on anymore. And, along with it, I have thought that my enthusiasm for Photography is clearly dying. If I am into something, I will work my ass off with it. It's just that now, I do not have any motivational coins in my pocket to keep my photography interest going. And then this happened, I don't know if I still want to continue it given that I think I am already an above average photographer and I have a couple of people asking for my services already. This is one sad part of my 2012 life, losing interest on this. Maybe, I am just in a slump, or I dunno.

11. Heartbreak

Along with losing my interest, I've capped off 2011 with a heartbreak and still, I haven't learned a thing from it. It's still the same reason and I continue being a pathetic bitch. I encourage people not to be pathetic and yet I am still one of them. Geeez looouise Abi. I sometimes cry in the middle of the street thinking of the void that person left me with. Deep inside I want to hate him, but it isn't worth it. I want to find meaning to this and I know that it is more than the pain. I know I am waaay better than before, but still it's irritating to think about it. I really want to end it, and just start anew. I just want to be okay with myself again.

12. Blog writing

Of course, how will I be able to deal with all of this if I didn't write. One of my bosses, who reads my blogs on Multiply before, told me that I deal by writing. And yes, she is right. This is the best way I know how to be in tuned with myself, also, this is an avenue for me to understand the situation more. Sometimes, I have too many voices in my head and when I write, it just becomes one and it's getting clearer. I have made I think three other blogs this year, and I think, it's okay. (why three? I am a bit OC and I would like everything to be in their proper places - but our house is a big mess believe me)

I ended up my other blog because whenever I am reading it, it became too sad and I don't want to be sad anymore. I am a melodramatic person but I don't wanna be lonely all the time, I have to move on, move forward just like how every year ends. It ends whether you like it or not.

So there, I do hope my 2013 will be a brighter one. Better health for my dog, better financial situation for me, better outlook in life and career and of course, more sporty activities to come. I hope you all have better resolutions for 2013. Let's always be positive! Cheers!

Cheers 2012! Credits to Paolo Nacpil.