Shady

Another friend of mine just got married, it's not that I am envious or something. I'm happy for her and I really wanted to it's just that she got married at Davao and given my schedule I can never make it. So, I've thought now of meself why I have this feeling of uncertainty.

Why uncertain? You see, I think it's a given fact that we are all raised to believe that happy endings should be you getting married with the love of your life and live happily ever after. Now that I've grown up, I begin to question, why do I feel it is wrong to think that way? Am I on the outs by not thinking "whooops! No prince charming, no fuck*n happily ever after" ?

When you're someone who's not thinking the same way, you question yourself, why aren't I looking for what most people would look for? Am I nuts? (Yeah, I really got some loose screws on the sides.. Lol). What happened to me during the whole growing/maturity process?

I always wonder why people make their lives complicated by looking for something that is impossible. Yes, with mu current condition, it is impossible for me to be found by Mr Prince Charming. Impossible, because as I've explained before I am not the type of girl that most guys would go for. I am usually the girl guys make as their bestfriends. Their girl bff or gay friends fag hag. Read: Not-damsel-in-distress-wanting-to-be-saved.

If you put that to statistics, chances of me getting a boyfie is close to zero. Given that situation, one would resort to putting things into their own hands. In summary, princess goes out to look for prince charming. Well, I think other guys would see this as something sweet, I do too. But, it's not just my thing. Given my current statistics (as I have mentioned earlier) in having and being in a relationship, I think I'd rather go where it is more possible for me to succeed. Like, hobbies, etc. Read: Not-wasting-time-in-something-impossible.

I don't know if it's because I'm young that I am saying all of these or what. But, I admit in a way, I am also bothered. Who wouldn't be wondering? At my age, my mom already had her third child and my friends are getting married and people are starting to ask and I'm going to be thirty this year and a loooot of aaaands that will never end. It's annoying really. It's hard to tell and explain to people everything I have written here. They wouldn't understand, they are already stuck with this fact that everyone should have the same happy ending.

I already half resigned to that fact and changed perspective. What if I can also be happy with my own type of happy ending? Not the fairy tale type but, my own unique ending. One that doesn't involve princes or boys but one that involves someone else like... Dogs! Or other things.

I just hope when I grow old and still like this, I can accept more. I hope I can be more matured, more forgiving but less gullible. I want to be at peace with whatever comes and happens and grow old and be okay. No regrets.

I think, I've written something like this before but it's annoying how sometimes it gets to me. And when it does, i'll write again to remind myself of this and recheck my feelings whether I'm still okay with myself, and I hope and pray, I will always be.

Good night everyone.