The day after

Funny how my state changes from mess to being repaired. I had just made a blog yesterday regarding my condition, I went to office the next day then voila, I got it all together.

I have been attentive, I was able to finish some work. Though I haven't been on time, I've never been astonished with the turn of the events. 

Yesterday, I did not go to work because of the breakdown. I slept. Then played Minion Rush, then slept, then researched about my condition, found it, then slept, played Minion Rush, then read some more. Then slept. Good thing, my sleeps are as deep as I wanted them to be. 

I guess this is one of the ways to at least control it, as a friend advised me, I should just let it get me. Shut the world out then let it swallow you. It is a matter of acceptance. This is me, this is already a part of me. All I can do, is just take hold of it and put it on my own hands. 

So what's next? This is cyclic, I was able to work then, go to the gym earlier. My appetite is almost back. And, I am again, thirsty to train for my next race. I can't really tell if I am on my hypomania state but I am happy that the hollow feeling is gone. At least for now.

It's weird that as I started this morning, as I took my morning coffee and read my emails, I have been searching for the vacuum/hollow feeling inside me. The one that I have felt the day before. It felt strange that it wasn't there. Even as I travel back home alone, I searched for it again. I looked at the crowd inside the train and felt afraid that it might come back, but still it didn't. I looked at the window for the comfort and it felt good. 

I know that in the days to come it will be harder. I might not make it. But it is days like this that I exhault myself and of course the Lord for letting me get it back together. I can always bounce back. I always have that in mind. If ever there are bad things that are happening, my mantra is I can always bounce back. I can go through it. 

I just wish I would stop doubting myself. Sheesh. 

Weakest Point

I wanted to be a strong woman. But I know, I can't be someone who's strong if I have not experienced how to be weak. 

So, now, I skipped work because I realize what a total mess I am today. I am at one of my weakest points and I know that I will be on this for a long time. 

I searched the internet about my condition and affirmed that I have a psychological problem. I thought this was Bipolar Disorder but it wasn't, the term that perfectly matches my condition is Cyclothymia. 

I took a depression test via www.depressedtest.com and it showed that I have a very high probability of cyclothymia, with high chance of bipolar disorder but still this is something that I shouldn't be neglecting.

I have read in one blog via www.thatscousebastard.com/cyclothymia.html that this needs controlled. And the changes in my mood swings are usually triggered by a changes or big things happening in life. And yes, he is correct. There were things that happened and I think that contributed to the fact this is all happening. I am already doing the right thing of maintaining a routine but the change happened so, I go spiralling to my depressive state.

But treatment or at least controlling this also requires a strong support system. I cried earlier because currently I don't have one. I clearly need help I just don't know how to reach out. 

If you have read the article from both links I provided, you would have known that this involves two stages, the hypomania and the depressed state. I am already done with my hypomania, now I see myself crying with no apparent reason. And this is why I finally thought yes, there must be something wrong with me. 

I look at my family, officemates and friends and see how it is to be on their world without these. How it is to think "normal" is not something I have seen myself with so I always wonder how people would see. But given that, I could not believe how this came to me, how I have deflected from the norm, how this became part of my system. 

This is my weakness and I do not know how to float away from this. I hope God can make a way.