Blurry Circles

With the things happening in my past, present and future, somebody on the sides should be laughing saying I should give up now. I agree, it is more convenient not to have my own life than to have all of these.

But, I, stand. And, sorry laughing invisible person, I won't give up. This life, I know, will mean so much more. God did not give me something I cannot bear, and I believe it. I hold on to this truth.

I remember having all the past, some I can never tell, some I can tell, some, are just there to leave me a painful lesson. I was born on a difficult family, situation and experiences. All of these, have taught me how to survive and be strong as I am now.

The present, now, teaches me a lesson to be more wise, more subtle, more transparent and more aggressive. I already know the basics now I have to hone myself more to be more adept because there may be more to come.

The future, seems bleak, I can't see the light in the end of the tunnel. Again, but I have been used to this darkness. I am learning this lesson to be aggressive to make my heart stand on its' own.

Instead of blaming other people, I see them as my teachers. Whatever lesson I have to learn, I will have to learn, by hook or by crook. I pray to God that at the end of this life, I am still this person who He wants me to be.

I now pray, that I may not go astray. So, help me God.

How sad mornings are

The thought of mornings of me leaving you made me sad tonight. It's hard for me to leave you in the morning. It is as if you were asking me why I had to leave home.

I just look away, knowing that if I knew how to answer it. You just wouldn't understand. I just look forward to the night, where I will see you again.

I always envision it in my head. Me, going down the trike; you, going out of house doing your cute doggie dance and then jump with glee because you saw me again.

I can never repay the happiness you have given me seeing you in that state. I do not know why am I so important in your life that I deserve such treatment.

I love you Odin Chan. You have such a big heart for loving me.

Hercules to Photoshopped Guy

"Seriously? You looked photoshopped?"

I laughed at Emma Stone upon hearing on this on screen on the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Like Emma's character Anna, I could not help but adore the photoshop guy, actor Ryan Gosling.

I've been watching him since his Hercules days and God, what did you do to this guy? He just became more handsome and more charming! And yeah, I'm making a "bakla" blog about this. Well, he deserves a spot on my own blog so that someday when I have my own kids or when I grow old alone I can laugh at this or I can just remember how high on "kilig" I was today.

Oh well, I hope I am attracting all laws of attraction to make me see this guy. Just like when I've had leche flan for new year. I wanted it, but never really told my mom I would love to have it for the new year's dinner but she bought one anyways, for the sake of dinner. Anyway, just one glimpse of this guy in real life is fine by me. I don't want to be his wife or girlfriend, it's too ambitious. I just want to see this guy and know how good he smells. Oh my god, I'm kinikilig again haha.

I'm gibberish, I think I should sleep, I have to be early tomorrow. Good night Ryan Gosling. Kissie kissie!

PS: God, let me have Ryan Gosling dreams please.

Ryan Gosling as the young Hercules. Credits to the owner of this photo.

Ryan Gosling as the "Photoshopped guy" from the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love.

New Year's Eve

Watched New Year's Eve on New Year's Eve, and I thought it was a bad VERRY bad idea. I ended up crying with my dog on New year's eve.

For hopeless romantics and people who are in the positive side of life, this is a good film to watch on New Year's eve. I loved the idea that it showed different scenes coming from different people from all sorts of life in New York city. Yeah, I loved it, even if I watched it in the wrong part of the year. It just made me a lot sadder, it made me go out of the streets observing our neighbor's fireworks teary-eyed. It's depressing for people like me, I would probably watch it again on Holy week where everyone's mood is not so christmassy/new year-sy.

Anyway, maybe it's the hormones kicking in. I will be better this 2013. I promise myself that. :)

12 Cheers for 2012

I just came outside and 2012 just finished right before our eyes and 2013 is greeted with fireworks, loud soundscoming from speakers, trumpets, and even people themselves. After finishing a movie , I decided to finish this one off just for 2012.

I have been thinking of 2012 and I admit, it wasn't a good year but instead of focusing on the bad things, I have thought of the things that made it a "not-so-bad-year-afterall". This year is not a year of good things but we have to learn from the bad in order for us to realize the good or what's good . So, let me enumerate 12 things that made most of my 2012.

1. Running

This is already obvious, I even created a new blog for this (checkout http://thepinkwarriorruns.blogspot.com). I remember track and field as my sport during my elementary days, I have been our classroom's participant for the 100 m dash. Given my figure before - tall, thin and athletic, I have mostly won the races. As time passed, I forgot my love for running, I wanted to do a triathlon now, it has been a dream of mine since me and my dad have watched this adventure triathlon race held at his mother's hometown at Siargao island. I can swim and ride a bike, I can probably do it. Hopefully, I can find time to train or this is the best time to just resign from my work. (think think think abi)

2. Odin

I was skeptic in getting a dog again, my sister pushed me to get this one. Given my super stupid busy schedule, I really do not consider getting one. But my sister, really wanted to get one, so when my office mate asked me if I wanted to get one of her dogs, her description of the breed made it more irresistable. And he did, I already have him and named him Odin, after Thor's father, whom I admire from the movie. What's not really good though was his health, I am going for broke with this dog. But I will always hope he'll be better, his cute presence is enough to keep me energized and a little inspired. I always pray that he'll get better.

3. Travel alone

I booked a ticket last Feb 2012, for a birthday trip to Palawan. I have wished to go with someone but we never made it to us. But I thought of it happening so, I already made arrangements all by myself. I thought of it as a cross off my bucket list, at least I wouldn't have to wonder how it is to travel alone. I enjoyed it and i was able to meet new wonderful people and it made me hope that next time I get there, it will not be just me anymore. Just hoping. :)

4. Losing Weight

I started the year at 65 kgs, I think and ended it at 60kgs. With less fats on my face, thighs, and belly. I still have some more fat on my belly though, and I will be working on that this year. Hopefully. Hehe. It's better said than done no?

5. Dyed Hair

I have always loved my brown hair, but I wanted a chestnut one. I always wanted to be a redhead girl. I dunno why, but it just came into mind this year. I think it's my way of rebellion to myself, that I am not the same anymore and dying my hair is the sign of it.

6. Phone

One of the best things I bought this year is my very very smart phone. It gets me to do a lot of things, I love it. I can't keep myself away from it. I play games with it, chat with my friends with it, blog, run, take pictures etc. It's just everything. I love it. I thank God for letting me have the dibs to buy it.

7. Reading

Since I have my new phone, i have more time to read during commutes. I have read more articles though, I wish to read more books for 2013.

8. Transfer to Bicutan

This has changed my whole activity plan for the week. Since it is far than our Pasig office, I have to adapt, I have to wake up early, change my whole schedule after office, I could not go on overtime because of the shuttle service, and there's the dog, I have to make time for it. First day of my commute to the office, I cried, I could not take the people and all, but this is my reality now. And I have come to accept.

9. Friends leaving

Most of my friends are already abroad, if not out of the country, they're married, or committed to their vocation. This is sad. The last time we met together before the other left to work in an another country, I cried, I am running out of people to run to whenever I need someone to talk to. If just wanted to go to the mall, I have no one to call to. I only have a few friends, and re-learning to have new ones is hard for me to do. It's hard for me to be comfortable with people. It may seem that I am okay with it, but really, it's hard.  It's like I am pushing myself to do it. I don't know, but it's just me. I do not warm up easily. Also, I have learned that this is okay. I mean, it's just me. If anybody has a problem with that well, then I am sorry. But, I could not change who I am.

10. Bibot dying

My first SLR Camera does not wanna turn on anymore. And, along with it, I have thought that my enthusiasm for Photography is clearly dying. If I am into something, I will work my ass off with it. It's just that now, I do not have any motivational coins in my pocket to keep my photography interest going. And then this happened, I don't know if I still want to continue it given that I think I am already an above average photographer and I have a couple of people asking for my services already. This is one sad part of my 2012 life, losing interest on this. Maybe, I am just in a slump, or I dunno.

11. Heartbreak

Along with losing my interest, I've capped off 2011 with a heartbreak and still, I haven't learned a thing from it. It's still the same reason and I continue being a pathetic bitch. I encourage people not to be pathetic and yet I am still one of them. Geeez looouise Abi. I sometimes cry in the middle of the street thinking of the void that person left me with. Deep inside I want to hate him, but it isn't worth it. I want to find meaning to this and I know that it is more than the pain. I know I am waaay better than before, but still it's irritating to think about it. I really want to end it, and just start anew. I just want to be okay with myself again.

12. Blog writing

Of course, how will I be able to deal with all of this if I didn't write. One of my bosses, who reads my blogs on Multiply before, told me that I deal by writing. And yes, she is right. This is the best way I know how to be in tuned with myself, also, this is an avenue for me to understand the situation more. Sometimes, I have too many voices in my head and when I write, it just becomes one and it's getting clearer. I have made I think three other blogs this year, and I think, it's okay. (why three? I am a bit OC and I would like everything to be in their proper places - but our house is a big mess believe me)

I ended up my other blog because whenever I am reading it, it became too sad and I don't want to be sad anymore. I am a melodramatic person but I don't wanna be lonely all the time, I have to move on, move forward just like how every year ends. It ends whether you like it or not.

So there, I do hope my 2013 will be a brighter one. Better health for my dog, better financial situation for me, better outlook in life and career and of course, more sporty activities to come. I hope you all have better resolutions for 2013. Let's always be positive! Cheers!

Cheers 2012! Credits to Paolo Nacpil.