Humor is Light

As I have blogged before, I've had a minor bout with depression a couple of months back. And while I was at it, I kept being sorry for myself for being in that situation. However, it was easy to make me laugh. I don't know why. I took every joke as a situation to make me smile.

So, with that, in one salary day, I went to a bookstore and bought two books from two funny women I look up to. After the first book, I realized, I liked these kinds of book and I forgot how I loved humor.

Books I first bought out of impulse. I did not finish Tina Fey's book though.

I was able to finish Mindy Kaling's "Is Everyone Hanging out without me?" in one sitting (in a salon for the record, while they are fixing my hair). I enjoyed it, it was the same as the book I read before, from Stacy Horn, Waiting for my Cats to die. I remembered how these things remind me of how it is okay to be just me, alone.

So, when there was a booksale, I went for another book - My boyfriend wrote a book about me by Hilary Winston, again, it was an easy read. Now, I am on a roll. This is how I will get over this, this sad thing. I got over my first love by exercising, by doing physical stuff. Now, this. I'm busier than ever.

I have felt alone before, and this is the peak of it. I guess, it's a matter of acceptance and how you put humor in boring situations. If you laugh at your own company, I guess you're gonna be okay.

Sad thoughts

Have you ever thought of being in the wrong place at the wrong time? At home, I always did.

Whenever, I look at everyone, I know, I feel that I am at the right place. I needed to be who I am now, and this wouldn't be possible if not for my family. But, every single time they break my heart, I wonder why am I still holding on to them.

I wanted to go away, to go as far as I can. They wouldn't see me as someone important, not that I demand it or want it. I do not feel it, everytime I am here, my supposed home, I always feel alone. Whenever I need help, they weren't around. I am at the brink of my sanity, and still they go about their own businesses.

I know it is selfish of me, but I need to love myself. I need to feel important even if it is to live without them, my own flesh and blood. I want to be in a place where I can feel my importance, not here, what they do is to always bring me down, because I could not save them. How could I save them from poverty if one, they are not poor, two, I could not save myself, how could I do it with them? 

I am gravely disappointed. I realized just now, that no matter what I do, I am just the same as my siblings in the eyes of my own mother, a disappointment. I want to go away, so that she would see how it is to live without me. 

I hate this feeling, it destroys the momentum and drive I have for work and other things I try to function to. I pray to God to show me the way. I am sorry for being selfish.