Growing not gone

A week after tonight, I will be on the same bed but not the same person anymore. A week after tonight, I have finished my first marathon.

It's been 6 mos since I signed up for this. I decided to join the TBR batch 2014 for the reason that I wanted to run again. But it gave me something more. 

As I started training, so does my life became blurry. Everything came all at once, I was compelled to be the one of the OIC of our laboratory (with no compensation, no papers or whatsoever), my own work, my due Aikido blue (4th kyuu) belt, and my personal life and sanity hangs in jeopardy.

By December, the long runs started to get longer, the OIC-ship efforts came to haunt me, it was my all time low, I wasn't compensated nor I was recognized since the new manager arrived. I felt like a garbage, I did not feel wanted in the department I was in. Even I was in despair, I kept running, it was the only thing holding my self esteem for myself. I could no longer believe in myself, whatever I did for the department, it wasn't always enough. I wanted to sulk in one corner and cry.

Then January came, the cold city temperature was making me sick after my runs. It was hard to do them, for me at least, since I needed to sweat. It is hard for me to sweat, I'm not a sweaty person by the way. So, I tried gyms for convenience, and I went to work with a jacket. I even went on my longest run with a jacket, I really was sick. Also, my work was becoming demanding, I got a very low 2013 performance grade which struck my confidence again. Up to this day, it still makes me sad. Still, I stuck to my long runs and lessen my aikido practice from twice to once a week. I told my senseis about my plans of joining a marathon and they support me all the way.

Then February came, I heard news from a colleague that I was not shortlisted to a position (this is within the department mind you) that I was applying to. What a smack on my fucking face, another smash on my confidence and I heard this on the month of my marathon. Still, even with this, I still went on my maintenance runs and sunday LSD's.

My training has been a rollercoaster ride of my physical, mental and emotional well being. Physically, I needed to be well in order for me to do the runs. Even with the cold chilly January winds, when I set my mind that I have to run. I will run. That also accounts my mental well being, I have to finish and commit what I started and find ways to be a better runner. By being smart with my food choices, smart with the shoes I use, by knowing my body, how I should nourish myself before an exercise etc. My emotional state, is something I do not have control as of now. It is still on a loose thread. I still cry on thoughts regarding my work and my personal life. And I wish next week, I will feel a lot better for myself.

I know I am better person than who I was when I made the decision to run this marathon. And for me to become even better, I have to leave the things that doesn't really count, especially those things that don't really matter. This is what I realized during this journey. I have to love myself more, I did not work train 4x to 5x a week (including Aikido and other strength exercises) to be just stepped on and be looked down upon. And if something is making me feel bad either I let them or I did not so something to make myself feel a lot better. 

After all of this, I will be a more different person, I look forward to it. I just love the picture above, I feel myself growing in strength even if people or circumstances put me down, I know I can do it.

I will see you all in the finish line of my first ever marathon. ;)