Growing not gone

A week after tonight, I will be on the same bed but not the same person anymore. A week after tonight, I have finished my first marathon.

It's been 6 mos since I signed up for this. I decided to join the TBR batch 2014 for the reason that I wanted to run again. But it gave me something more. 

As I started training, so does my life became blurry. Everything came all at once, I was compelled to be the one of the OIC of our laboratory (with no compensation, no papers or whatsoever), my own work, my due Aikido blue (4th kyuu) belt, and my personal life and sanity hangs in jeopardy.

By December, the long runs started to get longer, the OIC-ship efforts came to haunt me, it was my all time low, I wasn't compensated nor I was recognized since the new manager arrived. I felt like a garbage, I did not feel wanted in the department I was in. Even I was in despair, I kept running, it was the only thing holding my self esteem for myself. I could no longer believe in myself, whatever I did for the department, it wasn't always enough. I wanted to sulk in one corner and cry.

Then January came, the cold city temperature was making me sick after my runs. It was hard to do them, for me at least, since I needed to sweat. It is hard for me to sweat, I'm not a sweaty person by the way. So, I tried gyms for convenience, and I went to work with a jacket. I even went on my longest run with a jacket, I really was sick. Also, my work was becoming demanding, I got a very low 2013 performance grade which struck my confidence again. Up to this day, it still makes me sad. Still, I stuck to my long runs and lessen my aikido practice from twice to once a week. I told my senseis about my plans of joining a marathon and they support me all the way.

Then February came, I heard news from a colleague that I was not shortlisted to a position (this is within the department mind you) that I was applying to. What a smack on my fucking face, another smash on my confidence and I heard this on the month of my marathon. Still, even with this, I still went on my maintenance runs and sunday LSD's.

My training has been a rollercoaster ride of my physical, mental and emotional well being. Physically, I needed to be well in order for me to do the runs. Even with the cold chilly January winds, when I set my mind that I have to run. I will run. That also accounts my mental well being, I have to finish and commit what I started and find ways to be a better runner. By being smart with my food choices, smart with the shoes I use, by knowing my body, how I should nourish myself before an exercise etc. My emotional state, is something I do not have control as of now. It is still on a loose thread. I still cry on thoughts regarding my work and my personal life. And I wish next week, I will feel a lot better for myself.

I know I am better person than who I was when I made the decision to run this marathon. And for me to become even better, I have to leave the things that doesn't really count, especially those things that don't really matter. This is what I realized during this journey. I have to love myself more, I did not work train 4x to 5x a week (including Aikido and other strength exercises) to be just stepped on and be looked down upon. And if something is making me feel bad either I let them or I did not so something to make myself feel a lot better. 

After all of this, I will be a more different person, I look forward to it. I just love the picture above, I feel myself growing in strength even if people or circumstances put me down, I know I can do it.

I will see you all in the finish line of my first ever marathon. ;)

Comfort of strangers

Most of my friends are abroad, one recently left the country with her family to work at Hongkong. These people are my closest friends and yet they're far. 

I recently had a bout with depression, and good thing one of those friends was still here and I was able to reach out with her and also with some of my other friends here. But of course, they're also busy with their own lives and I don't want to be the one dragging them down and be a burden. I sometimes try to catch up but when I'm always down, I could not just call them and take them out of their happy lives. I'm not a happy life sucker like that.

So, what does a person with no close friends do? Me, my first plight is become busy. Nowadays, I'm busy training for my first marathon and doing household chores whenever I'm home, bought books to read to preoccupy my idle times and then there's my online life. 

Then, when worse comes to worst, and the loneliness keeps rubbing it in my face that I am all so alone. I usually seek comfort of strangers, i talk to random strangers along the way. The manong whom I leave my bag before I run, (Name's Manny by the way) the girl who sells french fries at Eton Centris and the other girl who sells waffles also at the same mall, the driver of the vehicle I am on, sometimes people at the MRT, just anyone. I just need to talk and also I want to listen. 

Not that I share my problems to them, I usually just talk about the situation then hear them out from then on. I sometimes feel being accompanied on those times, and sometimes it's just what I need. And this is what most people around me miss, I think they're all happy with their lives that they don't bother mine.

I am not really a person who reaches out, I sought out when I was soo down. I needed to talk it out. I guess, now, I just need someone around my circle to notice and say "Hey, are you alright? Wanna talk it out?" 

Of course, that's not gonna happen. Oh well.

Saturdays

Usually, if I'm busy during the weekdays working and working out. My saturdays would be composed of chores and this:

Yes. I know. Priceless and boring but yeah, as of now, I feel like loving it. 

Happy weekend everyone. :)

Slam down 2013

2013 has been not so good to me. If I were a wrestler, or an MMA fighter, I would be Silva and the year has been my Weidmann of different sorts.

Well, this year I am thankful that I got over one person and then transferred it to another. The other gave me tons of disappointments that I could still not accept. Well, that's one bad thing that happened this year. I am often seen by him as someone who's okay with this whole situation but deep inside, I really am not.

Which leads me to my work, yes, my work, the one I have been spending most of my time on. I am pretending that everything's okay, that everything they ask me to do is okay. But deep inside, it's not. I am not okay with what they made me do. Maybe it's okay if I had something in exchange or I felt important after it. But no, it made my confidence run down the drain. And besides, I've never felt so unimportant in an organization as ever before. I don't want to continue with this, this 2014. I will make changes.

Change is something I am hoping for this 2014. I don't know what change will happen, but whatever opportunity comes, I will grab it as long as it offers change. This is one thing I am looking forward this coming 2014.

What else am I looking forward to? My first marathon finish, this coming Feb. My Valentine treat to myself. A new love perhaps. Hoping, wishing and wanting it to finally happen this year.

Well, I don't know what the year has for me but I am praying it will be better. I will be better and everything's going to be better. I am claiming it. Cheers 2014.

South Station Birds

Saw this last night at Alabang South Station, I came from a friend's house in Muntinlupa then commuted back home. I was amazed upon seeing this scene as the bus parked to gather passengers at the station.

What are these? These are birds, I think these are maya birds (commonly scene birds in the metro) sleeping in those wires. I was so amazed, I took a shot even if it was dangerous to do it, due to the rate of robbery in this place (well, in my own observation at least). 

Anyway, it was nice to see all of them sleeping peacefully in one place. The people were kinda used to them. Or they just didn't noticed. I wish there were more trees though, so that they won't be risking their lives sleeping in such a place.

Life oh well.

Who reads hardbound books on the MRT?

Yes, I do.

I dunno what was I thinking, I wanted to finish this book so fast and it's so interesting to read. I realized just now that these are my kind of books.

As I have mentioned before, I am into humor/comedy memoir books. Well, this one is an interesting read and I could not help myself but bring this one into my long commute and read it while waiting to arrive on my destination.

I don't mind it being heavy, or being bulky really. I just realized, that when I am standing up and the trains are jampacked and I am reading this book, that I am hurting other people (you know the edges and it is hard bound after all) when the train brakes or takes a turn. I am funny sometimes, I don't realize it until I go down the train or until I leave the station.

Oh well. Sorry people.

Hardbound book by Jenny Lawson - highly recommended to kill time 

Humor is Light

As I have blogged before, I've had a minor bout with depression a couple of months back. And while I was at it, I kept being sorry for myself for being in that situation. However, it was easy to make me laugh. I don't know why. I took every joke as a situation to make me smile.

So, with that, in one salary day, I went to a bookstore and bought two books from two funny women I look up to. After the first book, I realized, I liked these kinds of book and I forgot how I loved humor.

Books I first bought out of impulse. I did not finish Tina Fey's book though.

I was able to finish Mindy Kaling's "Is Everyone Hanging out without me?" in one sitting (in a salon for the record, while they are fixing my hair). I enjoyed it, it was the same as the book I read before, from Stacy Horn, Waiting for my Cats to die. I remembered how these things remind me of how it is okay to be just me, alone.

So, when there was a booksale, I went for another book - My boyfriend wrote a book about me by Hilary Winston, again, it was an easy read. Now, I am on a roll. This is how I will get over this, this sad thing. I got over my first love by exercising, by doing physical stuff. Now, this. I'm busier than ever.

I have felt alone before, and this is the peak of it. I guess, it's a matter of acceptance and how you put humor in boring situations. If you laugh at your own company, I guess you're gonna be okay.