The day after

Funny how my state changes from mess to being repaired. I had just made a blog yesterday regarding my condition, I went to office the next day then voila, I got it all together.

I have been attentive, I was able to finish some work. Though I haven't been on time, I've never been astonished with the turn of the events. 

Yesterday, I did not go to work because of the breakdown. I slept. Then played Minion Rush, then slept, then researched about my condition, found it, then slept, played Minion Rush, then read some more. Then slept. Good thing, my sleeps are as deep as I wanted them to be. 

I guess this is one of the ways to at least control it, as a friend advised me, I should just let it get me. Shut the world out then let it swallow you. It is a matter of acceptance. This is me, this is already a part of me. All I can do, is just take hold of it and put it on my own hands. 

So what's next? This is cyclic, I was able to work then, go to the gym earlier. My appetite is almost back. And, I am again, thirsty to train for my next race. I can't really tell if I am on my hypomania state but I am happy that the hollow feeling is gone. At least for now.

It's weird that as I started this morning, as I took my morning coffee and read my emails, I have been searching for the vacuum/hollow feeling inside me. The one that I have felt the day before. It felt strange that it wasn't there. Even as I travel back home alone, I searched for it again. I looked at the crowd inside the train and felt afraid that it might come back, but still it didn't. I looked at the window for the comfort and it felt good. 

I know that in the days to come it will be harder. I might not make it. But it is days like this that I exhault myself and of course the Lord for letting me get it back together. I can always bounce back. I always have that in mind. If ever there are bad things that are happening, my mantra is I can always bounce back. I can go through it. 

I just wish I would stop doubting myself. Sheesh. 

Weakest Point

I wanted to be a strong woman. But I know, I can't be someone who's strong if I have not experienced how to be weak. 

So, now, I skipped work because I realize what a total mess I am today. I am at one of my weakest points and I know that I will be on this for a long time. 

I searched the internet about my condition and affirmed that I have a psychological problem. I thought this was Bipolar Disorder but it wasn't, the term that perfectly matches my condition is Cyclothymia. 

I took a depression test via www.depressedtest.com and it showed that I have a very high probability of cyclothymia, with high chance of bipolar disorder but still this is something that I shouldn't be neglecting.

I have read in one blog via www.thatscousebastard.com/cyclothymia.html that this needs controlled. And the changes in my mood swings are usually triggered by a changes or big things happening in life. And yes, he is correct. There were things that happened and I think that contributed to the fact this is all happening. I am already doing the right thing of maintaining a routine but the change happened so, I go spiralling to my depressive state.

But treatment or at least controlling this also requires a strong support system. I cried earlier because currently I don't have one. I clearly need help I just don't know how to reach out. 

If you have read the article from both links I provided, you would have known that this involves two stages, the hypomania and the depressed state. I am already done with my hypomania, now I see myself crying with no apparent reason. And this is why I finally thought yes, there must be something wrong with me. 

I look at my family, officemates and friends and see how it is to be on their world without these. How it is to think "normal" is not something I have seen myself with so I always wonder how people would see. But given that, I could not believe how this came to me, how I have deflected from the norm, how this became part of my system. 

This is my weakness and I do not know how to float away from this. I hope God can make a way. 

Chess

You move, I move. What's next?

Sorry. I have been holding back everything. I don't know if I came too fast or I really just don't know what I am doing.

Obviously, I am attracted to you. What else would I be doing all of these for? I just don't know what to do with you. Nowadays, what I have been doing is keeping myself busy with the things I have done before.

I have made these routine for me to be able to forget someone or the feelings rather. With all of these, I was able to move on. And I don't want to crumble down like before. I have made my moves with you but I don't want to give it all the way. 

I don't know if you can read this (Most likely not). I want you to know I can give it a try but I am not desperate. It's okay if you don't want to push thru. I am best single rather than being committed. 

I am writing this, because I can't sleep. You make me not want to sleep. I got sick because of this. I hope this ends up okay. I really do. Either we be together or not, I hope we're both okay with each other. 

Oh well. 

Series of Fortunate Events and Good Decisions

When I knew that the yearly Brigada Eskwela (Project of private companies to help out public schools to be clean and ready for the incoming classes) for our company will be on a friday weekday, I instantly filed for a leave because I knew it is going to be tiresome even if it will only take half of our working hours.

Good thing, my boss accepted my leave application because a good friend of mine from Singapore came home and wanted to see the rest of us here. The invite is going to be on the same date as the Brigada Eskwela, but it is set as a dinner rendezvous. I agreed though, since majority of my friends are free and my sked is also free it's just that, I have almost 6 hrs of waiting time.

Came friday, I already have activities in mind to kill the time, and it was made of delivering a race kit, swimming and running. I started early by coming on time on the Brigada eskwela meetup (which was strange but I seriously wanted to be there on time, I don't wanna be left behind) place which was located just outside our HO building. Then, I took breakfast at a nearby fastfood chain then went to alight the van assigned to go to the area. 

This was pretty much easy, because I signed up for the book covering task. I did not want to get my hands dirty nor have paint on it and this is one of the things I'd normally do to destress myself. So the half day task wasn't much of a muscle mover to me, the day was just too darn hot but it was okay. I was able to enjoy this day doing the thing I loved doing for the school that someday maybe my cousin's, Arcelyn's, high school. 

Book Cover Day!

Then, after eating our snacks and slightly cleaning up the area, we went back to HO. I was so bloated, there were too much free meals/snacks AND I had my own big breakfast as well. So, I thought that my next activity was to burn some of the calories. Since I was not able to submit the documents at the offce because it was still lunch time, I thought of utilizing our office gym.

In the morning, my plan was to swim first then run around BGC (Bonifacio Global City) but then this idea came due to the things I need to do first at the office. I thanked myself for this idea, since this idea will save me more time AND for sure, there will be no people inside the gym (since they're all working *enter evil laugh*) so I can use the other equipment other than the treadmill (because I'm shy, I don't wanna be associated with other equipment other than the treadmill lol). So I ran 10k then, used some leg and arms equipment for target training, plain happy training day at home except that I am doing this at the office. I am happy because this will save me time for the week, I can focus on prenup and therapy on saturday. After, I have submitted my documents, I freshened up and went to my next venue. 

I did not have the gym picture, but I love my caption here haha

I promised a friend I will be giving him his race kit that i registered for this big run race on June. Since, I am up for a little travelling, I went to his office to personally  hand him his kit. This was entirely bonkers but I love being at different places at a time so, I came. When I went, the RCBC lobby already amazed me, the building was full of steel designs. I thought I was never going to marvel inside the building itself, until my friend came and showed me around. 

I did not expect that he will tour me around and buy me a drink. It was really fun, I admit, I am an architecture and interior art fan and this building was definitely a stunner. It had offices at a different building then it had stores on the other, then there's also a little chapel and a museum. The interiors are carefully made and it suited what its purpose needed to be.

Some of RCBC's amazing interiors

I am so thankful that he asked me to go around, the free drink for me was just an additional bonus. I made again the right decision of going there. So, after everything, I bade him goodbye then went off to my next destination, to MASA or Makati Aquatic Sports Arena to swim.

While waiting, I saw that there were already jeepneys outside of the building going to Guadalupe (there were jeepneys going to MASA from here). So I rode one, and since it was friday, traffic was inevitable. I forgot about traffic, my plan was to meet one of my friends at Ayala station on 530pm so that we can go together at BGC but before that i have to swim first. The traffic made me think of cancelling my plan to swim since it was impossible to swim and make it on time. Before making the final decision, I thought of sending a text message to my friend and ask where my she was, good thing she told me that she was miles away from our meeting place it was impossible for her to make it on time. So, I decided to swim.

Then swim I went, I was happy I did it. I failed doing the front crawl drills but I was able to execute a breast stroke in one 50m lap (which was amazing because my officemate thought I can never do it but I knew I can so yay me!). I think I was able to cover about 400 - 500 meters because my body made the decision to have leg cramps so that I can leave the pool already. 

MASA Lap pool

Another, good decision moment to leave and to have my friend go and meet me at Market Market (instead of Ayala station) because we coincidentally rode the same jeepney together. Started the night right by coming on time, as planned, on our meeting place then enjoyed the night away.

A good way to end the night, desserts :)

In summary, obviously, it was a busy day, but it was made of series of good decisions and fortunate events (and mostly free meals haha) It was jampacked, action filled but still fun day. I never felt so alive and detached to my facebook haha (because I have to save batteries). I love love love it. I came home sore, stomach and heart full and I think this is one of the things I needed from all the craziness my life was becoming. I really really thank God for this day and making it possible for me to be able to do all this things in just one day. Yay me! ^_^

To Live or To Exist

In this life, they say, it's either you live or you just exist. What does it mean when you do either?

To live, at least for me, is living a life where it has deeper meaning. You wake up with a purpose, you go to work because you know your purpose, you do almost everything in your life because you know exactly why you exist in this world. To exist, however, is the dead version of living. It is to live his/her life without knowing what to do with it. these people are mostly "just there". They don't give a shit about everyone as long as they are there meeting their basic needs.

So, among the two, where do I stand? In my own reflection, I am only struggling to live because I feel that I only exist. Yes, this is my ugly reality. I do all these things, I keep myself busy, but at the end of the day, it doesn't fill me in. Every morning, I go to work thinking that I'll do my best but I don't have the momentum for it. I learned that in order for me to be better, I should think as to whom I am doing all of these for. On a seminar we were given that task of thinking of that inspiration, and after a few seconds of reflection, I could not gather the person I am doing these for. The a few more seconds, I even bargained with myself, thinking, "hey can the dog be it?" (lol but, yes, I really thought that). 

Maybe it is the whole purpose of the family thing, most of the hardworking and very passionate persons I have known are already married or they have a supportive, strong and inspiring family/parents. It sucks. I just wanted to become the best that I can be even if I this is my condition. I know, it couldn't be possible. If I wanted to do something, it will always be half-baked because it lacks inspiration.

Well, I wrote this down to emphasize on this weakness. This is how I see my life now. I want to be forward looking and see myself on the other side of the spectrum with everything all figured out. I am not certain I will, but this will be my turning point, let's see.

Choreography by Chris Scott

Thing is when I find something amazing, i get obsessed by it. Tonight, my head's full of caffeine, sugar and curiousity, I decided to go and check the youtube for the So You Think You Can Dance show routines.

I am a fan of the show, I really just don't wait for each and every episode but I try and check for youtube vids for the routines. So far, Mia Michaels and Sonya Tayeh have been my favorite choreographers there esp for the contemporary dances, so galing (my faves have been Gravity by Kayla and Kupono and Bleeding Love by Mark and Chelsey). But, as I switched from video to video, I came upon Cyrus'(Glitch) finale dance with Twitch, Comfort and the choreographer himself Chris Scott. The choreography stunned me to my seat. It even included the cinematography/scene timing (or whatever you guys call it) on the dance. Uh-MAZING! 

Then I came across one video of his interview citing his works. And then I learned he's the one who choreographed Step Up 2. Another Uh-MAZING moment! (with Jaw drop, yes that Amazing!). 

I remember being this amazed with Wade Robson when I learned he's the one who choreographed Britney's and N Sync's video. I liked these two because in the dances they have made, you can feel the passion and the art of the whole dance process. It just gives me the chills.

Mind you, I don't dance gracefully. I dance for fitness before, sloppily may I add, I just happen to follow all music vids and live concerts before so that I can follow some dance routine. But, I love the art of dancing, just like the other forms of art. What makes dancing special is that you convey the choreographer's or the dancer's message, passion and feelings thru dancing, without any words. Sometimes, the best dances come from the most passionate choreographers and dancers. I really have high respect for these people. 

So for now, let me worship Chris Scott's works by sharing with you some of the stuff he choreographed that I saw on youtube. I hope you like it like I do. Good nightie from my side of the world. 

Softie self

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. - Sunscreen, Baz Luhrman

I thought of this just now when I rekindled and summarized my 5-day vacation. I did not do anything grand like what I did on my birthday (solo trip to El Nido, Palawan just to brag lolz). It was my normal annual vacation it's just that I needed this every year to remind myself of some important things that I forget in the city.

Staying in the city makes me hard. Most of the people around me are very supportive but at the same time they give me this immense pressure of making it on my own. Staying in the province though gives me time for myself. This is the place where I ran, biked and swam (I realized I was afraid of swimming alone, I need to have a companion to do this.). This also gives me time to be connected again to my kinsfolk. I love them and this is the opportunity to at least bond with them.

Those things made me soft, at least, one of the things that makes me soft is my dog, my mom and then this guy - Yes, the one who will never ever love me back because I don't know how to make him (loo *cough* ser). But at the same time, it is the dog who mostly does the job. He kind of reminds me how God works and makes me happy somehow, I just wish he doesn't destroy a LOT of things. One day I could not afford to buy back everything he destroys. Anyway, one day, I hope I can bring him to the province so that he could also run in the rice fields and meet the other dogs in the province (which I hope doesn't have any rabies because I want him and us to live longer).

I admit to gaining weight during my one-week stay. I realized it when I returned, but the heck with it. I can lose it back, but I could not return the benefits this trip has caused me. I am somehow reminded of my stronger self, brought back some mojos I keep losing everyday in the city. I look forward to more of this in the future.

Cheerio!