Trouble

I remember when I first felt this. I don't want to recognize it because once I do, I'm in trouble. Just like now, not again.

I ran last sunday and I am too bothered with these thoughts of you. I have buried these for more than 10x but it keeps coming back. I effing hate it. I hate you. You are not worth it. You are not worth the trouble.

You don't know this, of course, and I've been awfully cool about this. And I will be, not until you say something about this. You know everything about me, but not this. Not now. I leave this to myself to keep.

I will try to keep myself in this box I've made for myself and will keep burying you and will keep myself away from you. You have to go away, for real, away from me, my thoughts and my heart.

Should you try again, I will make this walls thicker, I shall make myself stronger, and I will run away further than before. Seriously, for me, you're nothing but trouble.

Of course, if you say something, it'll be a different story but knowing you. You will never have the guts.

God, let him be away. Please.

Since I can't sleep

So I can't sleep. Time to blog.

What has happened, so far? Well, I think I'm better now. No more unrequited love /boys, conscious/desperate weight watching (and yes, I've gained weight but I'm okay with it), doggie mange, sleeplessness (except today - special case, I have a race tomorrow) aand cash flow is back to okay (no more begging to mother before payday). So yeah, it qualifies me to being better ain't it?

Still, though, depression is still there, but manageable. It's peak/height is usually a week before my menstruation. But, still, there are more better days than bad ones. So, that's an okay.

I exercise more. I run more, I signed up races and I am planning to do two more marathons this year. But, I do aikido less though. I can only do once a week and sometimes I'd be absent for more than three weeks (just like this time) buy I promise to myself I'll be back. I need to be back. All in all though, it's okay.

So, okay, I'm okay! Now what? 

Err... Just an update. Hehe.. Good day folks! 

Speak in actions rather than in words

I don't understand some people. Oftentimes, the people that I hate the most are the ones who talk about the things they don't really do. These are the people who don't really walk the talk.

Yes, I'm sure you have encountered 'em. You might have seen their posts online and heard them talk "passionately" about something (which I don't see they do). I don't know if it's just me, or whenever they talk about these things my mind often wanders off and recall if they really did it (it automatically does that especially if I know this person, personally - hey that doesn't sound right).

I guess, this just reflects how much I know this person (whoever they - yes, THEY - are). I don't see the point of preaching if you yourself could not do it. How will I ever believe you? 

I know that somehow, deep inside you, you want to do these things you preach because I know it'll make you a better person. You strive for self-improvement. You want to make the whole world a better place by being a better you. But then, I know, the thing that will hold you back is by being this now you. 

I will always pray for you (yes, the whole lot of you preachers-who-do-no-walk-people), that you realize this. Nothing will hold you back once you realize that there is a certain person (hello, me) who does not believe whatever you are saying. I will pray that you still go the same path as what you are saying. I know it will make you happier and better. I pray that you make baby steps to it and finally do it. 

And now, I pray to God that I do not encounter any word of mouth that comes from you. I don't want to have negative thoughts about anyone, this is something I have been practicing (though I usually fail haha). I pray that I see it and admire not words but your actions. 

After all, actions speak louder than words ain't it? 

What happened?

Is it just me or the year went by so fast? I mean REALLY fast! Oh well, I even forgot how to blog because I have been tired all the time making a day work for me. Anyway, so what has been happening?

Well, first, I ran that marathon. And I did not get anything, but I felt prouder of myself. I can finish marathons now, and I feel a lot cooler hahaha. 

Second, I've been busy as ever. With mu new boss, I have been jampacked with work. Never-ending-work that is, mind you, but it's okay. I feel more accomplished this year. What is bad though, I don't feel any growth. I want to do something different. There is an ongoing merger and I am awaiting the pay so that I can finally go.

Third, commute got the worst of me. Manila commute just got worst, and I could not take it anymore. My normal two hr commute (one way) is now more than 3 hrs. I feel degraded everytime I try to ride the mrt. I feel I don't deserve such treatment, why do I have to fall in line for more than an hr just to stand up inside the train and ride it for 30mins. Government has to do something about this, we are paying taxes. And we don't deserve such treatment. Hayy.. Well that's another story hehe. Let's be positive here. So, this year, I am trying to live alone near the office. It sucks really. I want to sleep with my dog. But, my sleep is sacrificed and it's not healthy. Thus, this decision, I hope I can save more money though. Oh well, let's see.

Fourth, well, I bought a new camera. And requests have been booming as ever! I love it! I thank the Lord for the opportunities. 

Fifth, I guess I have been more okay with myself. The heavy feeling is almost gone. I don't feel sad on friday nights, I don't feel like crying anywhere. Now, I got used to being alone. I feel detached but more forward looking. I want things for myself now. And I want to get them.

So these are the things that are currently happening, I do hope more good things come before the year ends. Cross fingers to that! 

Growing not gone

A week after tonight, I will be on the same bed but not the same person anymore. A week after tonight, I have finished my first marathon.

It's been 6 mos since I signed up for this. I decided to join the TBR batch 2014 for the reason that I wanted to run again. But it gave me something more. 

As I started training, so does my life became blurry. Everything came all at once, I was compelled to be the one of the OIC of our laboratory (with no compensation, no papers or whatsoever), my own work, my due Aikido blue (4th kyuu) belt, and my personal life and sanity hangs in jeopardy.

By December, the long runs started to get longer, the OIC-ship efforts came to haunt me, it was my all time low, I wasn't compensated nor I was recognized since the new manager arrived. I felt like a garbage, I did not feel wanted in the department I was in. Even I was in despair, I kept running, it was the only thing holding my self esteem for myself. I could no longer believe in myself, whatever I did for the department, it wasn't always enough. I wanted to sulk in one corner and cry.

Then January came, the cold city temperature was making me sick after my runs. It was hard to do them, for me at least, since I needed to sweat. It is hard for me to sweat, I'm not a sweaty person by the way. So, I tried gyms for convenience, and I went to work with a jacket. I even went on my longest run with a jacket, I really was sick. Also, my work was becoming demanding, I got a very low 2013 performance grade which struck my confidence again. Up to this day, it still makes me sad. Still, I stuck to my long runs and lessen my aikido practice from twice to once a week. I told my senseis about my plans of joining a marathon and they support me all the way.

Then February came, I heard news from a colleague that I was not shortlisted to a position (this is within the department mind you) that I was applying to. What a smack on my fucking face, another smash on my confidence and I heard this on the month of my marathon. Still, even with this, I still went on my maintenance runs and sunday LSD's.

My training has been a rollercoaster ride of my physical, mental and emotional well being. Physically, I needed to be well in order for me to do the runs. Even with the cold chilly January winds, when I set my mind that I have to run. I will run. That also accounts my mental well being, I have to finish and commit what I started and find ways to be a better runner. By being smart with my food choices, smart with the shoes I use, by knowing my body, how I should nourish myself before an exercise etc. My emotional state, is something I do not have control as of now. It is still on a loose thread. I still cry on thoughts regarding my work and my personal life. And I wish next week, I will feel a lot better for myself.

I know I am better person than who I was when I made the decision to run this marathon. And for me to become even better, I have to leave the things that doesn't really count, especially those things that don't really matter. This is what I realized during this journey. I have to love myself more, I did not work train 4x to 5x a week (including Aikido and other strength exercises) to be just stepped on and be looked down upon. And if something is making me feel bad either I let them or I did not so something to make myself feel a lot better. 

After all of this, I will be a more different person, I look forward to it. I just love the picture above, I feel myself growing in strength even if people or circumstances put me down, I know I can do it.

I will see you all in the finish line of my first ever marathon. ;)

Comfort of strangers

Most of my friends are abroad, one recently left the country with her family to work at Hongkong. These people are my closest friends and yet they're far. 

I recently had a bout with depression, and good thing one of those friends was still here and I was able to reach out with her and also with some of my other friends here. But of course, they're also busy with their own lives and I don't want to be the one dragging them down and be a burden. I sometimes try to catch up but when I'm always down, I could not just call them and take them out of their happy lives. I'm not a happy life sucker like that.

So, what does a person with no close friends do? Me, my first plight is become busy. Nowadays, I'm busy training for my first marathon and doing household chores whenever I'm home, bought books to read to preoccupy my idle times and then there's my online life. 

Then, when worse comes to worst, and the loneliness keeps rubbing it in my face that I am all so alone. I usually seek comfort of strangers, i talk to random strangers along the way. The manong whom I leave my bag before I run, (Name's Manny by the way) the girl who sells french fries at Eton Centris and the other girl who sells waffles also at the same mall, the driver of the vehicle I am on, sometimes people at the MRT, just anyone. I just need to talk and also I want to listen. 

Not that I share my problems to them, I usually just talk about the situation then hear them out from then on. I sometimes feel being accompanied on those times, and sometimes it's just what I need. And this is what most people around me miss, I think they're all happy with their lives that they don't bother mine.

I am not really a person who reaches out, I sought out when I was soo down. I needed to talk it out. I guess, now, I just need someone around my circle to notice and say "Hey, are you alright? Wanna talk it out?" 

Of course, that's not gonna happen. Oh well.

Saturdays

Usually, if I'm busy during the weekdays working and working out. My saturdays would be composed of chores and this:

Yes. I know. Priceless and boring but yeah, as of now, I feel like loving it. 

Happy weekend everyone. :)